"Do not wait; the time will never be just right. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."
Napoleon Hill
I had a dream recently. I was hanging around on a street vaguely like one near my house with a few faceless but strangely familiar friends. It was late evening, getting dark but still with decent visibility. Like someone put some cheap UV40 sunglasses on the sky. It was without the orange and purple blends of the sunsets I know. I was being my usual wallflower self, hearing but not quite listening to the indecipherable dialogue. Generally content.
For whatever reason, I decided to take a walk back to the previously non existent house. As I walked, I remembered the house and the house became. It was her house. I realized we were hanging by her house. As I remembered who she was, I was in her house and there she was. The familiar house in retrospect was my own. I don't know why my subconscious gave it to her. It just did.
I liked her. Everything about her. But she wasn't actually anyone I knew. If you've watched 'A Scanner Darkly' you'd be familiar with the scramble suit which hid agents' identities but to us, the audience, was a rapidly changing and sometimes mixed image of persons. That's who she was. Every woman I'm attracted to right now. All at the same time.
In my-her house there was Mix Girl's parents and a few more faceless friends by the kitchen. Probably eating and drinking. My subconscious considered it unimportant. I exchanged some mute words with her father for a little until he left with his wife to another section of the house. The room we were in was both living room and kitchen/dining room arranged side in the halves of one big rectangle. The living room was closer to the front door with chairs arranged all about. The sofa, which in waking reality is a love seat, faces the door. Now, I don't have 'game'. This would be very atypical of an introvert. But now me and Mix Girl were on that sofa and we were about to talk.
Noise outside interrupted us before we even began and I got up to investigate. The friends from the street had just carried someone who was having some type of breathing problems and laid her near the door. She was an old classmate. The only person I clearly recognized in the dream. She was already feeling better, luckily, and I stayed by her for a bit.
We talked a little about how our peers have been changing. Some of us are getting married, having kids and a few are about to add a 'Doctor' to their names. We built good rapport. But just as I seem to do with anyone I unintentionally start getting close to, I essentially run away. I wished her well and headed back inside.
The last thing I remember was stepping inside and seeing Mix Girl still sitting alone. The moment I stepped in, my point of view switched to behind the sofa, seeing the back of her head and I saw myself, standing at the door, looking at her. Then I woke up.
The reason I managed to remember all this is because, as I woke up that morning and tried to recall the dream, one thing really struck me. I remembered the classmate I spoke to passed away 3 years ago. The images of the dream were more cemented when I retold it to my friend who always gets everything. I started to realize how strange it felt that when I try to explain something I previously said to her, she not only understood but had already given a thoughtful response. Strange in a good way of course.
I'm not sure what it means seeing my deceased friend but what I took from the rest of the dream was the need for me to not only take action, but to put some effort into it. I haven't seen many of my friends in a long time but it's within my power to change that. There are things that I probably thought would fall into place with time but I can't rely on that. The cure that Carl Jung suggested for the puer aeternus is work.
“Work is the one disagreeable word which no puer aeternus likes to hear, and Dr. Jung came to the conclusion that it was the right answer.”My own mind has been telling me this and it's way past time I listened. I've taken steps. I'm still far from what I wanted but now I can see the next step in my path. I'm stepping out of a haze, I'm more determined to work than I have in as long as I can recall. For that I am happy
Now Playing: Frank Ocean - 'Wiseman'
考え
work harder
