Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Trapped with Myself

photo by Ludovic Bertron

"The most dramatic conflicts are perhaps, those that take place not between men but between a man and himself -- where the arena of conflict is a solitary mind."
Clark Moustakas

Dear mind, my soul would like to know what's happening inside you... How about your two cents, God?

I often worry about conflicting perceptions of my self. The way I see myself and the way I behave change situationally. There's the me that needs a plan and the me that acts from impulse. There's the monster, that maybe none knew of, who feeds off the insecurities of others, smiling inside, condescending, because you're weaker than me. Building false confidence and humbling in the presence of true confidence or the unknown. I'd still sniff for that food though, reading non-verbal speech like plain English and taking that quiet shouting personal. Not an uncontrollable alter ego like Dr. Jekyll's Hyde or Bruce Banner's Hulk but more like Scott Pilgrim's Nega Scott, the embodiment of insecurities. The other side that taunts me, telling me how I should have done things.

My overactive thought processes are always running. Running through situational parallels in the worst way possible(To those Computer Science savvy, it's a breadth first search), rarely having time to come to a conclusion, consequently leaving me hesitant and indecisive, slow to react when the thoughts start to argue.  I've been told to flip a coin when indecisive, not that the coin's outcome will choose for you but because  in that brief moment before it falls you'll  truly know what you wanted.

It would be so convenient if conflicting thoughts and emotions could just step outside of the mind, sit, sip some tea or some of their favourite spirit. Putting differences on the table, weighing relevant points of view like grown folk and coming to a confident, unwavering decision. I'd think, cooler me, take over for this one.

However, I come to the conclusion I often do when I think about these things: "Life doesn't work like that does it?". The best I can do is dispatch some prayer and hold a medi'. Sorting it out in the same place all these thoughts are trapped...

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God, I'm confused


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